Remind him that he OWES you something, but when you talk with him, be CHEERFUL, not sad. My final rejection of his efforts to start again are a step to far. What happens if years before reading this partner one tries these things and it doesnt work then a few years later after partner one decides to b finished partner two finally decides to try. I am sure readers of this blog may be tired of hearing me say therapy so much, but Ill say it again: I would like to recommend couples therapy. She keeps saying we are not a good fit, that I should go and find someone else. I helped her with everything. But she has to want it too. I have asked her to consider stop corresponding with her Ex but as I have decided not to use my skills to track her for my own sanity I am not sure if she has. You must not put yourself down for doing this. Then now he has been saying he feels overwhelmed with the responsibility of a future with me as he has never had it. I wished in my heart I had kept them words to myself, he knew I liked him a lot. Robert, there are two missing pieces here: First of all, you have a therapist and Im wondering what he/she is saying. He doesnt bother keeping the house tidy while I work all day every day. But this means that you become vulnerable. I just hope that I havent done so much damage already that it is has become irreversible! sometimes, those we love so much, if we make the mistake of taking them for granted and saying hurtful things to them even though we dont mean them, we could end up hurting them so deeply that they justifiably learn to feel betrayed and our irreparable damage forces the ones we love so much to leave. Dealing with all the details & various pieces of the puzzle that suddenly all falling into place he admitted that it had beef going on 4 years & would still be if I hadnt found out. I let him have it when I found out that he had been doing that. please help me. You know this blog is getting busysorry I couldnt answer everyone. But this, i couldnt. Love and hate are important human affects that are of long-standing interest in psychology. I love him and I want to feel better and just be happy again but I feel guilty because something doesnt feel right and I cant figure it out. Please help! and doesnt want to keep doing this every 5 yrs or so, as next time we will be approaching 40? I found out one person i had sex with, he knew. The one thing I wish I could change about him is his inability towards insight. Im afraid to say you will have to make other living arrangements for yourself or for him in order to get the message across. Our marriage has been rocky ever since. Hi there, Were you afraid of him? She said a lot of little things added up between us and that she started compromising herself to be with me and we both ended up completely different people in a bad way. When your ex- sees you as completely changed and she, too, is stronger and healed, then there are possibilities. She only ended up getting pregnant by another guy. This just goes to my question does this mean its no chance of saving my marriage. Make a point to have fun in each other's presence. .. I give it a few days and reach out to her, she responds she finally realized that I am not it for her short or long term. I believe he was married to his expo for about six years. Samara, of COURSE he fell out of love. 1. But we still came back to each other. Then i started to fall.We had our fights and she wanted to leave me at least 4 different times. Can you talk while he is in the military or is he overseas? For example, perhaps you would like to say affirmations every day. We met online as friends 5 years ago and fell in love. these are all things i had told him i would not ever be ok with again, i took too much before and i told myself i would never tolerate this again. The second month had been a bit easier but on our 4 year wedding anniversary she couldnt bring herself to buy me a card. I no longer feel that passion or that I would give my life for him. Id be happy to start slow and rekindle this relationship. If you see a marriage & family therapist who is skilled at anger issues, then you can eventually bring him into the therapy so he can see that you are, indeed, working on yourself and this wont happen in the future. FIRST you have to be sure this person is the right person for you based on who he really is, the good, the bad, the ugly. But he says its because Im afraid of being alone. She has also been studying out of the country for the past 2 years. Thats what he keeps telling me this time is forto work on ourselves. Now I cannot comprehend a single sentence on a page; havent knitted a stitch & have no desire to do so & do not care if the roses all die. She said that I proved many of her suspicions about males behavior toward women to be true in my actions, and it hurt me to the core to think that I resembled her rotten father. My stupid comment on top of everything else I did ruined everything. And i did this to him. My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago, I fell for him first sight. Hi Thomas As you let him or her into your private self, your partner did the same. In the end he fell out of love and I dont blame him. I am concerned about his behavior when hes away. We both have had some trying experiences and abandonment issues before we got together. YOU need to get into counseling so you can learn how to tell who is good and who isnt good for you to lose your heart to. They love and hate themand that's normal. That comes from the pain and mess he is in. I do not want to lose her, I do not want to pressure her to make any decisions, but I dont want to lose myself in this either. I had never been in love like this before and I took it all for granted. How can I get myself to a better place? He was so patient with me the past year. Then I spoke with the co worker one on one and she told me she will back off but my husband is not going to change his mind or how he feels. But after hurting him so much and leaving him in so much despair, he now is numb and lazy to hang onto this relationship anymore :( im really depressed about it and idk how to win him back. But he is not willing to forgive me and one more chance to our marriage. Am I wrong to be upset about this? She askes how I can make everything uo and what will I do to have her forgive me. His take was that this man had no right to join a group of friends. You need a therapist who is wise and mature and non-judgmental, preferably one who recognizes both the impact of the past and the impact of ones present context. I love him so much, I feel I lost my best friend but I have to respect myself. If you see your significant other as the reason for your loss of personal freedom, you may hate them a little or a lot. I fixed my hair or it will tangle and we left for home. actually i tried talking to him but hes talking to me very and replying to me . He treated me like I was his diamond. Give him the time he needs or this will not work. When I came back he locked me outside the doors and I couldnt get in. "His dad married my mom's best friend. I call her back and tell her we will be fine, and to get some rest and that I want to be with her. Do you think theres still a chance for us? Hi Kim, With that being said I was very controlling, checked his phone/email/facebook constantly, I didnt trust him and every girl he associated with I said he was trying to get with her. But she is consistent. She also said that she has been feeling like this for a while but like I describe above showed no signs (that I picked up on). is this something else im going through bc she hasnt done anything bad shes been there for me also id like to know what is the true meaning of love ?? So cold, angry and unforgiving. And i used to treat him like a king. Ive lost his patience. We still kiss and have sex. That was his error. We eventually ended up having sex on a regular basis. i ask for meetup face to face , he avoided. Every time he picks up his phone I get sick knots in my stomach. Even though he is doing everything in his power to show me his love I feel like I the hurt and pain has made me numb. Hi Sean, The 15 Ideas For a Perfect First Date Are: Right before she told me of her lack of feelings, I began taking an active approach in things like my career and relationship, after all, my life is in my control, but it was too little too late. I call her and ask her why? I know she has no intention of doing marriage counseling and when I said I was going to get on anti depressants and seeing a professional she didnt seem to care. What I need is for my husband to make the necessary changes and prove he means them rather than begging and pleading with me for me to love him. I have begged and pleaded for him to work with me on this. Suddenly she called me 2 weeks ago on Thursday at 6PM but i didnt answer. I have treated the one person that I truly admire like crap for so many years. When you were in love with him, he was not in love with you. I want to rebuild trust for her to fall in love with me again, I know it will take time. eventually, I came to my senses and told her how I felt. He didnt show it at the time but was discreetly trying to tell me that I needed to chill out. We were with another couple who we are very good friends with. Im in the same boat as you exactly I dont know what else to do I love him he dont love me we have two kids together he doesnt feel he will ever love me again like he used to have you found anything that helped you if so please let me know!!! Check out this site, my site, drdeb.com, and the aamft. Thats important because change cannot be superficial in a case like this. Hed ignore my messages for minutes and reply me after hed replied hers. He thinks that constitutes me cheating which I have never done nor would ever do to anyone. But he told her every little detail about me and our marriage. The best relationships are made with two people who are secure within themselves. Advice? How can I move past this? He should have come to you with the problems instead. But I dont know what that looks like. Hi Dr. Deb, You need to find yourself academically, vocationally, spiritually, emotionally. We have always completely open and honest with each other about everything and trust each other 100 percent which has given us the opportunity to explore things in our relationship and Recently we have been exploring some fantasies. Long story short, my father got ill and when he was very bad, I relapsed. Being disrespectful is not putting on the table what is bothering you. Who's your supplier? prove to her how much u need her. I currently work full time and provide for the family and we are comfortable and can manage to do fun nice things. We have had a few rough patches but nothing like this And I dont know how I am suppose to go about trying to get back to the way we were. You also must stop putting yourself down. From my experience there is a lot more going on at home since my husband returned from Iraq. It drives me crazy that I cannot prove absolutely everything to him that Im faithful only to him. He did in the past have a affair with someone who worked for him. But at the same time, a womans intuition is always right. OK let me know what you think of my situation, I am married with 3 kids and have an amazing wife and most things were great apart from I was a manic depressive, I hurt my wife for a long time and although was never violent it was torture for her. Hi Missy, The way I work with people in therapy who have had abusive relationships (you can see my book on this go to my website for more) is to help re-wire our brains so that the trauma that caused the anger in the first place is completely healed. I feel the worst for hurting him like I have. He would flirt with other women in front of me and constantly made sexual comments about other women both to me and in front of me. He needs specialized counseling for sex addiction. Make some effort to plan things out The problem is Im almost 38 He never asked me to go with him (we visit each other every 2 months). Now suddenly after 3 years he cant tell me he loves me, and claims once I said that about the miscarriage he stopped but has been saying it for the past two months trying to force himself to feel it but wont ever deal with whats bothering him, he just bottles it up and gets more and more angry, and even more angry if I try to talk to him about it which is frustrating to me because I am a talker and try to talk things out. I noticed it is her number but i did not answer. I took a minute to reply, but told him I dont want you to leave. Weve litterly been up all night talking and Ive cried so much that I have no tears left in my eyes. since hurting the one I loved so deeply, so much, she has chosen to never want contact and I granted her that peace she asked for. I went into this marriage expecting to be his partner but instead I began to feel like his burden. This works better than making an actual booking itself because it gives both of you some time to think about the prospect of your first date, and it does not put any pressure on either of you. Also he had lost a job around the same time. We have two young daughters and so the thought of divorce also causes me great anxiety. Wife dont have time to put in with all other thing.. So when she came in Tuesday I asked isnt the same guy we went to home depot last yr is your babyfather?. I wish I could make her see Im not that person and I wish I never went down that road. She said shes pregnant. Yesterday we were at an outing where everyone was drinking and I made a huge mistake. it is so hard to get back from that hurt. This tells me that you actually lack some of the coping skills you need. My girlfriend and I have been together for what would be 5 years next month. The next day we returned her step-fathers car, dropping it off at her place. but the other girl who means nothing to me is talking to the girl i love and telling her and telling her other stuff thats not true. But I dont trust his ex. Ive been exercising and eating healthy. We had huge HUGE communication problems & I felt like I had read the book 500 tines and he was still stuck on page 3. She was mad. I was so hurt by her breakup I sent her an email where I called her character into question for misleading me. Shes been my everything and I know Ive been her everything. Again, my head understands that we tried that (being together to fix things) and nothing changed. In the beginning of our relationship (only being 2 weeks into with stron soul mate compatibility) I told a lie, she wanted to meet me the next day after conversing with her for the second time. You cant do that this time. she said she cannot let go of what happened in the past and that is partially why she feels this way today. He is someone from my past that I used to fool around with. He is impatient and rude with me, says hurtful things. How can I make him confident enough in me to try and forgive? He broke up with me and he has gone back and forth with me for the last year. He put his face into her neck & told her that he Really really loves her. Not once has he made any complaints about waiting or me going on about my interests. utterly devastated (UK). So she came to my place and looks big. He was sexted other woman for 7 to 9 months. I was sure it was him. I just hopped things would change but Ive come to realize that I can only change myself. Hi DrDeb, Although your post is long, I feel like there is stuff missing from it. And i really do love him with all my heart and soul. Three things: 1. work on calming yourself. When you get on a plane, they tell you, if youre traveling w a child and the O2 needs to come down, put it on yourself first or you will pass out and then you and the child will lose oxygen. this was very hard for me as my own nan had passed 6 months earlier due to an op to remove cancer being a complete success, but incompetent staff allowing infection to go to far. Anyways, she finally arrived. distance part. I never cheated. if you have any advice for me that would be great because I really want to be with him and I dont want to lose him, everything with him feels right except for that. The constant verbal and physical abuse have left me with depression, anxiety, stress, and fear of giving in again. We both have feillings for one another. The next several years were disastrous, now that Im really looking back on them, he was little help with our first child, he always disrespected me in front of people, talked down to me, my requests didnt matter, and he had a terrible temper, he would break things and put holes in walls, but at least he never put his hands on me. I have not let go of the good him and thats what I been holding on to I know what he is now and i have so many emotions and I feel like I can save him or should I say my heart tells me to save him and my mind knows he is gone I hate that Im in this situation and my family has cut me off for marrying him and Im ashamed to talk about it to my friends around me but they know heroin is really bad in ky right now and they ask me all time why is he always loaded Im just trying to get mentally unwind from him and I just exploding on the inside. We agreed at the start that it was just going to be casual and if either of us caught feelings we would walk away. Last night I had to go into work at 4am and I wanted him to lay with my until i fell asleep. In the 14months hes pretty much lived here has only helped me a handful of times with bills. He feels like I dont show him that I love him and it makes me sad because I do but I know deep down its the hurt thats caused me to become so guarded and cold towards him. The fact that he loves but doesnt like you is what is clueing me in that there is something on your part that you need to look at. Hello Dr Deb, id like to tell you about my problem, ive bin in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years, it had a lot of ups and downs, at one point she started distancing her self from me, with out telling me why. When hatred wins, relationships crumble. Its because we were all blessed with great imaginations. I often recommend therapy not because a person is sick but sometimes it is just good to get insight from an outsider. Thats because I want to change his character. He showed me true regret for his actions this weekend, but today, I am so scared. So I know shes laughing at me like yea trick I got your husband,he chose me and dumped you. Cos I believe that is what enables him. It is not at all about moving forward. Actually, your bf has to take a good look backward. PLEASE READ: I met my sons father when I was in high school he was 2 years younger he was the perfect gentle men we were inseparable we had love like the movies. Hi ! Dear Dr. I dont know how to have a life without him. I really need your help. Every emktion but happiness. She said yes. I felt so betrayed because I respected our terms and remained loyal to him but he couldnt do the same. That was the last straw for him. So we seperated last july for 2 months during which (and now i quite regret it) i met someone (26 years old..) that unfortunately i still have a lot of feelings (love?) Be a man and stuff it. Ive done my best to show him that Im done with being dishonest & to dedicate my life to loving only him. When love blends with hate, this is a case of ambivalence. He didnt get upsethis first concern was if we were ok. I want his trust back as well n his love as well . Help. Your parents? I continued to work through the bills across a period of 6 months & noting in bright hi-lighter every call he had made to her. He wants to be friends. I told him at the beginning that I didnt want to sleep with the whole town, that I want to be exclusive with one guy. Like you said, you are too young for so much stress. I know he still loves me. So idk what to do I want to move on but I cant stop, I cant trust him at all, I feel like I cant love him like I did before, I feel like this is a mistake and that I shouldnt be with him. No romantic or intimate gesture or special intimate moment shared between the sheets when we got home. Mostly with me but he says its pervasive in his life now. He says it is not because of a nother woman but I cant imagine why he would feel the need to move out after two weeks of living together again. I lost my job and began looking for work where her new job was. I knew if I invoked that and cost her the dream job she always wanted that I was heading for a divorce for sure. at the time i was being stupid and i thought i could do anything. I have been with my man for six years now and in those years there been lies,cheating, abuse and just disrespect. The entire thing has made me crazy and depressed. How long do I stay silent? But not even giving it a go is just ridiculous! I dont think things will ever get better, but at the same time im afraid of him leaving. I told him we really needed to work on communication, and trust, but we cant work on those things if were not together. Depression I put her threw. he took an overdose and got very sick, we talked things out and i came home (to our home we are currently buying) we made changes things where good again. any words of encouragement or suggestions on my post from June 18? We laughed and danced and celebrated with friends. You may find that if he finally commits, you will feel safer and you will not act that way. This time being over affectionate over complimenting. Reach out to the person and invite them on a fun activity, like going ice skating or seeing an improv show. When this continues, the commonalities arent so apparent. Thanks! Where does this other girl stand ? Im special to her, but she seems too hurt. How does one fall in love again? But its so far gone, that even fixing it is painful. How do i approach him regarding this situation? Ive been trying to research these and understand him more. For two years. Introduced me to everyone. Hi, I had to reply to this. hi, wed been together for 6 yrs, it was not a perfect relationship but we did get through on all of the trials and challenges, i thought we are stronger now because we had been througha lot of rough patches. the last three times he came home. I can have a very bad attitude at times when Im hurt and disappointed and unfortunately there is or has never been any true remorse or apology for the abuse and violence. We live in the south & his mother/my mother are very submissive women. But I know that I pushed him away. I broke things off with a woman who claimed she "loved me" after 4 months. This is confusing to me because we havent actually broken up and he still shows me some affection on occasion, we still get intimate, and I even get that glimpse of love in his eyes I used to see all the time, but only for a moment. Since the proposal and my 30th birthday i became more restless and since i took off the ring he just ignored the whole thing while i tried to get therapy for myself and get him with me for couples therapy which lasted only a few times before a proposal was made that we seperate for a trial seperation and see what happens. Especially saying we been together for 13yrs. I will do absolutely anything to earn her back. Hi Samuel He seams like hes sorry but it could all be a act. R. Sounds like she doesn feel safe (her security isnt a top priority of yours), she doesnt feel pursued (she should be your gem), and she could be depressed. w/o seeing the red flags in him or perhaps you wanted to overlook them means that you also may need other help. Over 3 years back we were fighting every day and things got really bad. You ski with regulars over course of 2 years through talking got to know a man, we started seeing each other for lunch after ski session everything moved slowly ended up going to bed. However I understood that she o ices with her man and his parent. Y is that ? Hes a very lost little boy even though hes 42 hes very lost and Im hoping he can be found that he can find himself. Give yourself time to work through your grief. She was spending most of her free time with her friends instead of with me. This is human nature though - we tend to value things once we REALLY realize that they can be taken away or gone at any time. Whats odd to me is that it seems like she grew madder and madder over time, when I assumed it would get better. Many people can try to give you this message but it doesnt work with other people. Her to fall in love with you my stupid comment on top of everything else I did not answer secure! 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