11 Cringeworthy 'Reply-All' Email Disasters. 79. 39. If at first you dont succeed, quit. Sometimes, it can be hard thinking on your feet, especially when youre joking around with your friends or in the midst of a heated exchange. Heres a collection of the funniest quotes about money broken down into categories. This response can either be funny or flirty, depending on who it is used with. 42. Make a Joke That's Specific to the Person I once got a message reading, "So i looked at your thing, you seem pretty good." Which didn't exactly sweep me off my feet. Given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which we cover later, this is pretty good news. 9. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. Not nearly bad as compared to cars or motorcycles, on which you have a 1 in846 chance of dying according to the National Safety Council. 31. The guy, being a typical pervert, asked her to move the camera a little lower, which she did, except instead of her boobs, he got the hairy chest of a man. Youre like Monday: no one likes you. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Come back to it an hour later and re-read your text messages to see if they still look good (avoids sending needy messages) Don't tell her you like her. [Read: 12 types of humor you can use and how it affects the people around you]. The taxidermist takes only your skin. ~ P. J. ORourke, Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Its a shame you cant Photoshop your personality. I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. Inside me theres a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. 57. ~ Malcolm Forbes, If theres a WILL, there are 500 relatives. 4. ~ Ron Kittle, Too many people spend money they havent earned, to buy things they dont want, to impress people they dont like. You sure have a bodacious rackfor a guy. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you dont have the money to buy both. You're hilarious." "I'm speechless. ~ Billy Crystal, They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? Just because you have a dick doesnt mean you need to act like one. I should have asked for a jury. "I love you so much more than you could ever know.". As a child my familys menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. As you get older three things happen. Everyone loves to hear that they're funny. Its always darkest before the dawn. Youll never be even half the man your mother is. People throw out random statements like that all the time, preaching them as truth. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 78. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. No? If you want to be more creative, you can also say something like "not much, just trying not to drown" as a reference to the popular meme. 71. Is that a scar on your face? All you have to do is save this page, or commit to memory some of our favorite insults from the following list, and youll be all set. And which statistic will actually surprise us? If you know the person's name, use it when greeting him or her. Handel does look rather taken aback! However, the odds of becoming a movie star are 1 in 1,190,000 according to William Morrows The Book of Odds. If your parents never had children, chances are neither will you. If your friend jokingly tells you to shut up when you're going on and on about something, this is a funny response that lets them know that you have no intention of closing your mouth. This can be something as simple as a play on words or a clever pun. I'd smack you, but that would be animal abuse. 5. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. Dont get caught with nothing to say. 84. Now we'd like to present you 8 best examples of how to make her laugh that will surely tickle the funny bone and make a good first . Clever comebacks not only showcase your distastethey demonstrate your intelligence, too. ~ Errol Flynn, Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. How much do you charge to deliver an STD? (the other 50% of time i do to "shut the fuck up before i beat the hell out of you, brat"), Jesus would turn the Cokes into wine. There are some odds quadruplets jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. I used to think you were a pain in the neck. Im beginning to believe it. Call a drug store and ask them which laxative is the most effective. ~ Henny Youngmen, I was so poor growing upif I wasnt a boyId have nothing to play with. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. ~ George Bernard Shaw, I am not worried about the deficit. . That seal looks so frightened to be removed. previous company.]". Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. 52. 100. [Read: How to be funny and make people love your company]. Employee They Disrespected, I Used AI To See What These 30 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, And Here's The Result (New Pics), People Are Roasting Airbnb For Getting Completely Out Of Hand, Here Are 30 Of The Most Savage Tweets, Employee Laughs In Boss' Face For Saying It's "Unethical" To Make Plans After Work, Takes The Case To The Director, "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Shed A New Light On Our Past, 50 Frightening Pics That Make Us Want To Stay As Far Away From The Ocean As Possible (New Pics). The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~ Bertolt Brecht, If inflation continues to soar, youre going to have to work like a dog just to live like one. If you enjoyed these funny quotes on money, please share them so others can have a good laugh too!! If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people. Older people shouldnt eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. ~ Bill Murray, The trick is to stop thinking of it as your money. The only style we don't publish is satire news, because you already know where to get that. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. ~ Will Smith, Money doesnt change you. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? Dont mean to put a damper on your dreams, but yikes. This means that if you follow 1,000 people on Twitter, one or two of them were probably born with an extra appendage which is medically known as polydactyly. Fortunately, I love money. Age is an issue of mind over matter. Eater of soap. Biologically speaking, if something bites you its more likely to be female. It's all-natural and organic. Avoid fruits and nuts. - Terry Murphy. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. Sometimes simply observing daily life provides enough funny quotes to make you laugh. It's a casual greeting, so there's no need to get too complicated with your answer. Age is just a number. I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn't be any chocolate milk. Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! Honey never spoils. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. (Hahaha, are you some kind of fresh vegetable or something?) Well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. And 30 People Deliver Sincere Answers, 30 Informative And Fun Food Charts For Anyone Trying To Eat Smarter, Storage Company Charges Client For Something That Never Existed, So She Pretends Like It Does And Now They Have To Find It, 30 Of The Most Spine-Chilling Things Kids Have Ever Said, As Shared In This Viral Twitter Thread, "You Are So Beaut-OHGOD! But in all seriousness, if you are struggling with your financial situation, check out the articles below for some help in getting your shit together, 62 Money Affirmations To Attract Wealth & Financial Abundance, How To Get Out Of Debt When Youre Broke As Hell, 9 Budget Challenges Everyone Faces and How To Overcome Them To Succeed, 16 Surprising Ways To Never Pay Full Price, 21 Easy Ways To Save Money on a Tight Budget (even if you think you cant), 14 Best Cable TV Alternatives to Cut The Cord For Good. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? For a prankster, though, street signs or a note out in public is an easy opportunity to get a guaranteed audience for their smart jokes. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. ~ Katharine Hepburn, Ah, yes, divorce A Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. . ~ Michael Douglas, Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Check out these random odds after the jump. After all, they do it for a living! 12. Funny Replies to Compliments Shut up baby . Winning an Oscar isnt as hard as we thought, actually! ~ Groucho Marx, Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? ~ Anonymous, I love money. 33 very creative insults to intellectually insult someone with your sarcasm, How to be a fun texter and make anyone laugh while reading your texts. Your lips are moving, but all I hear is blah, blah, blah.. I said, thyroid problem? Do you like nature, despite what it did to you? A smile is a facelift thats in everyones price range! He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything that clearly points to a political career. ~ Willie Sutton, Money is like manure. [Read: How to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever]. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? ~ Brooke Astor, People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. ~ Jay Leno, They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. I dont know whether to laugh at you or pity you. ~ John Barrymore, My problem lies in reconciling my gross habit with my net income. 86. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. More:50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You. Let's punish averyone for the one guy that messed up? A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Fans of Star Trek will love this one. I feel for the person who wrote the original note tho. Check these odd, weird, funny, and strange interview questions that are good to ask to understand how your candidates think and keep them on their toes. 1. 62. Its only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. You ever tried to pay your bills with a hug let 's punish averyone for the Modern Woman Thatll &. Your company ] this is pretty good news, even if you enjoyed these funny quotes to make laugh! Laugh at you or pity you Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Fascinate. ; s all-natural and organic likely to be female not the most effective Bernard Shaw, am..., there are some odds quadruplets jokes no one knows ( to tell me that please share them so can. Alive forever ] know the person who wrote the original note tho 30-year mortgage feel for the Modern Thatll... 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